Teen Girls' Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny by Gaddis Alisha;

Author:Gaddis, Alisha;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: acting, auditioning
ISBN: 9781495049644
Publisher: Applause
Published: 2016-04-01T00:00:00+00:00

Know-It-All

Brandon Econ

CLAIRE, 17

CLAIRE is talking to her boyfriend, Marcus, outside a Dipp’n Dots. CLAIRE met Marcus while buying a sitar at a Guitar Center during a phase of personal and emotional reinvention. She’s immensely talented but prone to distraction. While not naturally vacuous or superficial, lately she’s been having a “rough time.”

CLAIRE Marcus, I hate to say it, and I hope you don’t get mad, but, you’re just not doing it for me right now.

Now, I know what you’re going to say before you even say it, “Claire, what the eff are you talking about?!” And that’s the problem. I already know what you’re going to say. You’re so predictable. You have been since we started dating. I knew you were going to ask me out, I knew you were nervous, and I knew you’d try and play it off like it wasn’t a date.

I knew effing everything.

I still do. Do you know how terrible of a burden that is? I have to force all of the excitement. Or feign it at least when you show some initiative. But I already know what ideas you’re having and how you’re going to execute them.

Like already effing know.

You want to roll your eyes and say that I have it all wrong. That’s just like you. You always do that! You don’t effing change.

You’re sweet and very kind but that only gets you so far. And don’t get me wrong, I love how sweet you are and how kind you are, but I already know you’re going to be sweet and kind and I just wish there was something more.

Listen, my father is pretty much my mom’s little effing puppy . . . he does whatever she wants. He used to drink Guinness, he used to have a leather jacket, he used to drive a Corolla, but now he does none of that. He drinks sauvignon blanc, wears sweatpants, and drives a Ford Explorer. And yeah, that last one seems like an upgrade, but it’s to serve a point. He filled a role and he lost his . . . you know, identity. His effing identity was a badass Navy pilot. Now he just does whatever my mom wants. I don’t want that. I don’t want you like that. But just in the past few months I get the impression that you’ll do anything I effing want whenever I want it, and that’s not what I want! That’s not what I effing want. And I knew it was happening. And I don’t effing want it to happen because I know it’s going to and I don’t want that because I don’t want to know what’s going to happen but that’s what’s happening and I effing hate it!

Don’t say, calm down! I know that’s what you want to say. I know it! I know you! You don’t even know me. You don’t. You’ve accepted the fact that I am who I am and you don’t want to change that, and I don’t want that Marcus.

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