Teen Girls' Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny by Gaddis Alisha;
Author:Gaddis, Alisha;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: acting, auditioning
ISBN: 9781495049644
Publisher: Applause
Published: 2016-04-01T00:00:00+00:00
Know-It-All
Brandon Econ
CLAIRE, 17
CLAIRE is talking to her boyfriend, Marcus, outside a Dippân Dots. CLAIRE met Marcus while buying a sitar at a Guitar Center during a phase of personal and emotional reinvention. Sheâs immensely talented but prone to distraction. While not naturally vacuous or superficial, lately sheâs been having a ârough time.â
CLAIRE Marcus, I hate to say it, and I hope you donât get mad, but, youâre just not doing it for me right now.
Now, I know what youâre going to say before you even say it, âClaire, what the eff are you talking about?!â And thatâs the problem. I already know what youâre going to say. Youâre so predictable. You have been since we started dating. I knew you were going to ask me out, I knew you were nervous, and I knew youâd try and play it off like it wasnât a date.
I knew effing everything.
I still do. Do you know how terrible of a burden that is? I have to force all of the excitement. Or feign it at least when you show some initiative. But I already know what ideas youâre having and how youâre going to execute them.
Like already effing know.
You want to roll your eyes and say that I have it all wrong. Thatâs just like you. You always do that! You donât effing change.
Youâre sweet and very kind but that only gets you so far. And donât get me wrong, I love how sweet you are and how kind you are, but I already know youâre going to be sweet and kind and I just wish there was something more.
Listen, my father is pretty much my momâs little effing puppy . . . he does whatever she wants. He used to drink Guinness, he used to have a leather jacket, he used to drive a Corolla, but now he does none of that. He drinks sauvignon blanc, wears sweatpants, and drives a Ford Explorer. And yeah, that last one seems like an upgrade, but itâs to serve a point. He filled a role and he lost his . . . you know, identity. His effing identity was a badass Navy pilot. Now he just does whatever my mom wants. I donât want that. I donât want you like that. But just in the past few months I get the impression that youâll do anything I effing want whenever I want it, and thatâs not what I want! Thatâs not what I effing want. And I knew it was happening. And I donât effing want it to happen because I know itâs going to and I donât want that because I donât want to know whatâs going to happen but thatâs whatâs happening and I effing hate it!
Donât say, calm down! I know thatâs what you want to say. I know it! I know you! You donât even know me. You donât. Youâve accepted the fact that I am who I am and you donât want to change that, and I donât want that Marcus.
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